My wife and I are empty nesters. When I look around our home these days it’s very peaceful and usually tidy and, well, I generally like it that way.
But a couple of weeks ago I was reminded how much I miss things being a little less peaceful and tidy.
We spent a week in Florida at an Airbnb with our adult children and our two young, and of course perfect in every way, grandsons—ages two and almost one (more than just a little bias intended).
Now I had envisioned rising early in the morning to enjoy quiet contemplation on our balcony, staring at the sunrise over the gentle lapping of waves on the Gulf. Cue the sound of the player needle screeching across a record. Promptly at 6 a.m. each morning, the squeal of our beloved grandson began, followed by a text from my daughter, “Dad, are you up?” That was shorthand for “Come get our children so we can get some more sleep.”
Thus commenced the beginning of our daily whirlwind. A nonstop swirling storm of half-eaten crackers, crayons, stickers, discarded paper drawings, and other toddler paraphernalia, punctuated by the occasional dirty diaper. Now we did our best to tidy it all up at different points during the day, but it was like catching, well, a whirlwind.
But you know what? I loved it! I not only loved it, I embraced it! Not because of the mess, but because of its source and the joy they brought every moment of our stay.
In Proverbs 14:4, Solomon writes, “Where no oxen are, the trough is clean; But much increase comes by the strength of an ox.”
The farmer who would have a productive farm needed powerful oxen. And, well, oxen are messy. So having to put up with cleaning a messy, unkempt manger is a good thing.
It’s not just oxen and grandchildren, though, that are messy. And not just in the tidy sense. On many levels, people are messy. Relationships are messy. And because relationships are messy, conflict within them is inevitable.
In today’s culture, there is a movement to remove the messiness — to cancel or cut off relationships that are labeled as toxic or negative.
In her online article titled “The Myth of the Perfect Parent and the Collapse of Family Resilience,” Diana Nelson writes:
“There is a dangerous idea spreading quietly through modern culture:
that if a relationship causes discomfort, it is abusive; that if someone disappoints you, they are toxic; and that if your parents fail to meet your emotional needs perfectly, you are justified in cutting them out of your life entirely.
This idea is not only false — it is destructive.
Human relationships are not frictionless. Families, in particular, are built on proximity, difference, and endurance. Conflict is not evidence of abuse. It is evidence of relationship.
True abuse exists.
It is real.
It is devastating.
And it must be taken seriously.
But disagreement, criticism, awkwardness, unsolicited advice, generational differences, and emotional clumsiness are not abuse.
They are the normal friction of human closeness.
What we are witnessing today is not increased emotional intelligence —
it is a collapse in tolerance for relational discomfort.
• Fear of conflict has replaced skill at repair
• Discomfort is mistaken for danger
• Emotional literacy has been replaced by avoidance
• Boundaries are being confused with withdrawal
• Therapy language is being used without therapeutic depth
When separation becomes the default response to conflict, the consequences ripple outward:
• Families fracture
• Grandparents disappear from children’s lives
• Wisdom is lost
• Loneliness increases
• Social trust erodes
• Reconciliation becomes rare
• Accountability disappears
And most tragically, people lose the opportunity to grow through relationship rather than flee from it."
Even we as Christians can fall into the trap of thinking that conflict should not have a place in our relationships.
And, on one level, that belief is understandable.
Romans 12:18 tells us, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”
One could draw the conclusion from this and many other passages that conflict does not have a place in our relationships, but nothing could be further from the truth.
The very idea that we should strive to live peaceably presupposes that there is disagreement or conflict inherent in relationships that must be worked through to achieve that peace.
In Ephesians 4:26 Paul writes, “Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath...”
Paul’s inference here is not that we should never have conflict or wrath. We’re told, yes, be angry, just don’t let it fester. It’s not about avoiding it; it’s about having an urgency and a desire to restore peace when it inevitably occurs.
Galatians 5:22–23 tells us that “...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”
Learning to manage conflict in our relationships with the aid of God’s Holy Spirit produces the kind of fruit in the life of a Christian that God desires.
I’m currently undergoing physical therapy for a troublesome rotator cuff injury I initially had repaired over 12 years ago. Therapy is not a pretty process. I was told by my physical therapist that improving the health and function of my shoulder would require breaking down scar tissue that had grown over the joint and tearing down inactive muscles so they could rebuild stronger and healthier. He warned me, “there will be pain.” He wasn’t wrong. In fact, a scream or two has been heard through the therapy clinic once or twice since I began treatments.
I’m willing to go through the messy, painful process because of the healing, growth, and restoration that I foresee on the other side.
That should be the goal of conflict in our relationships as well, should it not?
Can it be painful? It can be, yes. But through pain and discomfort, restoration and growth can occur. And that is, after all, what our temporary time on this planet is all about.
As my grandchildren grow, they will never stop making messes. They will just learn better how to tidy them up. Until then, putting up with a little messiness is the worthwhile price of experiencing the amazing joy they bring into our lives.